(Meadham Kirchhoff HATE tee (available here), vintage necklace, Rag & Bone jeans, Rodarte x Opening ceremony overalls, very old leather chucks)
Hello there! Took a little time from updating the blog, yes. Wedding planning, a creative project that I will probably never finish, and white supremacists on Twitter (pleeeease don’t ask) momentarily necessitated a short internet break but never worry, I have no intentions of abandoning this blog! I have too many clothes and too many feelings to let this thing go.
Speaking of feelings, today I am going to briefly (ha) touch upon HATE. The idea of wearing a t-shirt that so proudly proclaims HATE seems sort of disingenuous when I am making it a priority in my life to rid myself of it, which I'll get into later. Especially since hate was such a strong component of my personality for such a long time. Hate is the reason my closest friend and I didn’t speak for several years. We lived blocks away but my heart was hardened so tight she might as well have existed in another plane entirely. During this time, I thrived on passive-aggressive spats with her, lurking her online for material for which to lol about. It’s pretty amazing how a person’s normal mannerisms/patterns of speech/etc become SUCH a source of derision once you decide you hate them (because hate is a decision). And conversely, how all of things that you hate about someone become their most enchanting qualities once you let that hate go.
In August her and I went to Los Angeles together. Driving through the desert we talked about that troubled epoch in our friendship, ruefully lamenting those years which are lost to time. Ironically, her and I were going through similar circumstances and we could have been such a source of comfort in each other’s lives, but hate got in the way. I spent many nights alone, trembling on my bed in a hallway (my room was a literal hallway at one point), anxiously twisting my brain into circles…how much easier things could have been if I had her around to ride bikes with, to scream about our troubles through a decaying factory, maybe sneak some booze from what was once the High Five, commiserating over our misery. I will never know.
Hate kept me from falling into platonic love with other women. Yes, it is perhaps sooo cliché to talk about how one has overcome Girl Hate to become a shiny feminist ball of sunlight, but truthfully, though I'd long lamented my lack of friends, it's only later in life that I've realized how negative I was. Even Daria had a friend, and I was alone. Looking back I can see so many women I could have been friends with, if only I hadn't written them off for superficial reasons, like their outfit or choice of romantic partner or, god, their taste in music.
Letting go of hate is a bit like surfacing for a long deep breath after taking diving underwater. I mean that both literally and figuratively, because nothing is more calming for the soul than tranquility in one's life, it helps you breathe easier and think clearer. Hating is a decision, but so is unlearning to hate. There may always be aspects of a person or situation that you find unpleasant but to charge it up into hatred is so, so emotionally taxing! It takes a LOT of energy to be a hater, energy that could be better spent making friends or calling your family or playing video games or SLEEPING. Or even, perhaps, coming around to love someone you hate, only to discover their beautiful inner glow that you were too blind to notice. Perhaps that someone is you.
It is important to note that hate can be a defense mechanism. After all, fewer things help one survive turmoil quite like having a target which to direct your ire at - as awful it is to be on the receiving end of this, chances are, at some point you've dealt with your own fears in a similar way. It's something many of us don't do consciously, after all, who really wants to be an asshole?; hate can be reactionary behavior. In thinking of hate in this way, it's easy to see how getting through hate can be somewhat of a privileged experience. So I acknowledge that at this point in my life, I'm doing alright and am in a place where I can process emotions without mutating them into hateful thoughts/words/actions/etc. A particularly hateful person is often a troubled one. Something to keep in mind. If you search deep down within yourself for even a little smidgen of compassion, it can work wonders.